Over the past few months I have come to a whirlwind of madness that has only resulted in an immense amount of self reflection.
It all started with a late night call… a old friend that may have no idea how his perception of me changed me from fearful to courageous beyond measure. You see there’s a point in everyones life where you change. The world is harsh and the things you face as a young adult change everything about you. Your core is still the same, but your interpretation of yourself has been manipulated by outside forces.
Your once brave, and outspoken spirit becomes a fractured, fearful child with no opinion for herself. Now this moment is pivotal, because some people survive it and never find themselves scathed for too long… however others completely lose their identity, and spend the rest of their lives trying to find who they once were.
We aren’t all lucky… re-discovering yourself is the most intense yet hardest thing you can stumble on. Depending on how long you have walked around falsely impersonating who you imagined yourself to be, the harder the realization of who you truly are… hurts.
This has become my story… I have spent many years with a empty smile, and anonymous personality that I may have picked from various sources along the way. I had no clue who I was. So here I am 10 years and 2 months from the day I mark as my turning point, and I receive a call from an old friend whom I have known since we were children (I will keep the identity hidden for the sake of privacy). Our conversation was brief, but he says something to me that somehow ignited a fire in me that I haven’t felt in years. It was words of affirmation, he remembered who I was before the world could get ahold of me, therefore he only saw me as a the woman who had no fear, spoke her mind and courageously lived life to the fullest.
This small, yet important conversation changed my life, and the journey to self re-discovery commenced. This has been a tough few months for me, because I am finding out things about myself that are not aligning up very well with my initial future plans. It has become somewhat of a shock, yet I cannot stop myself from finding out more of all of things I am capable of.
This is where I have come to the conclusion that change is never easy… but it is necessary. Some of us are content with walking around faking a smile, looking at the world blindly and speaking with no purpose. However although I was content in life, there was always an aching feeling inside of me that felt disconnected from who I was trying to be.
I remember many nights being abruptly awaken for no reason, just an uneasy feeling in my heart that would come from the depths of a pain that I didn’t recognize. And let me tell you, there’s nothing more worse than waking up with an uneasy feeling in your heart. Now I see it, and I realize my heart was not breaking for anyone, but me…
I had ventured out so far, that my own heart couldn’t even recognize who I was anymore. This pain only worsened as I began my path to re-discovery. I couldn’t believe how unnoticeable I had become to myself.
My journey has only just begun, but let me tell you something, my heart is not broken, it is in it’s healing stages, and with healing comes tears and self reflection. I don’t think I am a stranger when I look at myself anymore, I am actually seeing a better version of myself than I have ever seen before.
So I say to you who ever is reading this, don’t be afraid to find out who you really are. This may change your plans and every chapter in your book, but the new version will be far more exciting then the one you initially created. It’s ok to be afraid, it’s even ok to think you are a little mad or crazy. Your journey is not made to be easy, and if change was simple, everyone would do it. However YOU are NOT everyone.
PS. You cannot become who you are made to be, if you don’t first acknowledge who you truly are.